sin tetas, no hay paraiso
by dress without sleeves
Summary: Puck and Rachel watch Telenovelas, try to kill each other with words, and then make out. Puck/Rachel, hints of Finn/Rachel. // He wonders when she became someone in his life that he actually cared about, and how the hell he can reverse the process.
1. sin tetas, no hay paraiso

**Author's Notes: **GLEE.

I know this isn't your usual pairing, but … I can't help it. I've got a Puck/Rachel! kink. Why? Because it's HILARIOUS.

Title translates roughly to: Without Tits, There Is No Paradise.

Sin Tetas, No Hay Paraíso

Mr. Schuester pulls him aside on a Wednesday and hands him a test with _A+_ written across the top; when he asks where Puck learned his near-fluent Spanish he says, "I watch a lot of Telenovelas." (That's true, more or less; Puck's always been good at observing, at becoming whatever environment he's in because that's how you survive in a town like this. So when he set his eyes on María Marquez, single mother of sophomores Alma and Polo Marquez, he spends three months watching soap operas and listening to a Rosetta Stone that he steals from the local library.)

Three seconds later he's got this tiny, terrifying brunette person tugging on his shirt and gasping, "_Puck_, oh my _God,_ you've got to _help me."_

He sort of tries to shake her off, but the girl has the grip of a damn bear-trap and she's not letting him go. He sighs. "What do you _want,_ Crazy?"

She glares, straightening up and shaking her head so that her hair does this dainty, almost _flirty_ little flip over her right shoulder, and if she weren't still clutching his shirt like it was an Emmy, he might have found her—just for a _second_—almost . . . cute. "First of all, I will choose to ignore your jibe because I know that it comes from a deep-rooted jealousy of my talent and drive, neither of which you possess. And secondly, I couldn't help but notice that you received a one-hundred percent on our most recent Spanish test, and _I_ received a deplorable _sixty-six percent,_ which is by _far _the lowest grade I've _ever _received, so I need you to tutor me so that I don't flunk Spanish, by extension Glee, by extension school, by extension all my dreams of wining a Tony/Emmy/Grammy/Teen's Choice Award, and by extension _life."_

When she's finished, she stands there panting, wide-eyed, her mouth open just a little bit and her hair flopping over her face as she frantically smoothes her skirt. He opens his mouth to say, "Dream _on_," when she looks _up_ at him, from under her eyelashes, and good _God_ she's actually _crying_, so he does the first thing he can think of to keep her from just losing her shit right there. "Sure. When works best for you?"

And that's . . . pretty much how it starts.

--

He goes to her house first, because no way in _hell_ is he going to get caught bringing her to _his_, and he doesn't even get a chance to knock before she's flinging open the door and dragging him into the living room like he's a VMA and she's Kanye West. Her Dads are sitting in the kitchen and look up at him with raised eyebrows, _probably _frowning on his hairdo, but in Puck's opinion, if you choose to live your life making out with other _dudes_ than you have no right to comment on an awesome Mohawk.

Rachel's room is pink, terrifyingly pink, but other than that it's surprisingly normal; she has a picture of her two Dads and her at the piano (surprise, surprise), a few stuffed animals, and a bookshelf with gems like _Oscar Fashion through the Centuries_ and _Julie Andrews: Defining a Generation._

He isn't sure where to sit; everything's in such perfect order that he's afraid to mess it up.

"I cleaned before you got here," Rachel says breathlessly, like she says everything. "I mean, I know that you might think that that defeats the point of cleaning, because now you know that I'm actually a messy person by nature, but I didn't want to misrepresent myself."

"Um, yeah, okay," he says. "Let's just get this over with, all right?"

She nods, pulling out a notebook and a pencil. She squirms a bit on her bed and then looks up at him blankly. "Okay. I'm ready." There's a long, awkward pause, and she prods gently, "Aren't you going to teach me?"

Puck wishes he'd thought this through a bit more; he'd really only gotten as far as actually getting to her house before his plan had ended. He'd figured she'd have questions that he could just answer and then get the hell out, but from the way she's sitting (really, terrifyingly still, like she's a statue or something, how does she even _do_ that and not blink?) he doesn't really see that happening.

He casts around for something to say and then notices a little TV on her dresser. He breathes a sigh of relief. "Yeah, so, I was thinking that obviously this way of, uh, learning wasn't doing it for you," he says, faking confidence because Rachel's like a hyena who prays on weakness. As soon as she sees the vulnerable spot she moves in and the next thing you know you actually _like_ her—take Finn, for example.

Rachel frowns. "So what did you have in mind, by way of change? Because I can't afford a trip to a Spanish-speaking country right now, I mean, I have way too much going on here. And we couldn't leave Glee, anyway, because they need us—well, actually just me, mostly, but you're very tall and strong and useful when it comes to the dances. Plus, you play guitar pretty well and I know that Mercedes at least thinks you're funny, so they'd probably miss you, too; I don't want you to think that no one likes you, it's just that you're needed on a purely _social_ level, while my talent is really the backbone of the club's performance."

Puck takes a moment to let his mind catch up with her and then says, "Um, sure. Okay. Anyway, my plan wasn't to take a trip to a Spanish-speaking country. It was to watch TV."

Rachel frowns. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

Puck goes to her TV and flicks it on. It's a Thursday, so there's a new episode of his personal favorite telenovela, _Sin Tetas No Hay Paraíso, _but he figures that Rachel might not be quite ready for that type of A-game entertainment. Instead he settles on something easier, something that she'll be able to relate to: _Floricienta_.

Rachel frowns at the T.V. "I still don't get it," she says, as he settles beside her on the bed. He can see her frowning at his sneakers on her quilt but he doesn't take them off. "How is this going to help me pass Spanish, and by extension Glee and by extension—"

"Look," he interrupts, before she can get going on one of her tangents, "the best way to learn a language is just to submerse yourself in it, okay? So watch the damn show. If you don't understand something, I'll tell you what it means."

She looks at him skeptically, but without a word leans cautiously back against her pillows, purses her lips, and watches.

--

The next day Mr. Schuester takes Rachel to the side and tells her quietly that if she doesn't pull her grade up in Spanish, she'll have to drop Glee. Her eyes meet Puck's over the Shust-man's shoulders and she says quietly, "I know, Mr. Schuester. I've got a great tutor; I'll be fine."

--

The next Thursday Finn invites him to go out and get pizza with the rest of the guys, and but when he tries to tell Rachel that he can't make it, she gets this frenzied, out-of-control look in her eye that terrorizes him into changing his mind. So at 3:30 he dutifully rings her doorbell. This time one of her dads answers and looks him up and down once, judging, and then says in a light voice, "Rachel, your lawnboy is here!"

She takes the steps by twos and frowns at Dad Number One. "I told you, Daddy, he's a _pool boy,_ not a _lawn_ boy. Don't be rude." Then she takes his hand—it's little, much littler than he expected, for some reason—and drags him up the stairs. She gets herself settled on the bed while he fusses with the TV, focusing on finding the channel and ignoring her as she prattles on about, seriously, _nothing._ "…but it was an okay day, I mean, overall. I don't know. Don't you ever have those days when nothing _good_ happens but nothing _bad_ happens, so you don't want to label it as a _bad day_? Daddy says that any day that's not a _good _day is a bad day, but I don't _feel_ bad, so . . . of course, I guess you could say it was a bad day because I in no way advanced my career as an award winning actress/dancer/singer, but I _did_ eat with people at lunch and I made Finn laugh twice. I think I might have caught Quinn smiling when I told the joke about the koala bear shooting the waiter but it's hard to tell with her, because sometimes when she smiles she's actually angry. I imagine it's because of the baby, since it messes up her hormones so badly. Also, Quinn isn't the nicest girl on the best of days, so I can't imagine it's that much of a change for her. Anyway, I had my weekly voice lesson yesterday and Mr. Gordon says I'm going to be able to add another octave to my range by February. Dad and Daddy are really impressed, as well they should be because it's actually a really huge accomplishment, especially since I'm naturally an alto."

"Um, yeah, cool," Puck says, as the opening strains of the title song comes out of the TV. And then, abruptly, Rachel shuts up and pins her eyes to the TV. For a second he's worried that she's actually not even breathing.

She watches _Floricienta _and he watches her, amazed by her ability to be completely sucked into whatever it is she's doing. She's like a _robot_ the way she gets into the zone. She doesn't move, isn't distracted by _anything._ As a little social experiment, Puck reaches out and puts a hand on her ankle. She doesn't even notice it, just keeps watching like it's announcing the coming of the Messiah.

He moves his hand up, casually, not even looking at her anymore, and when he gets to her knee she starts and looks down at it and then over at him, eyes wide like a terrified rabbit. "What are you doing?" she squeaks.

He grins. "Experimenting," he says, removes his hand, and settles back to watch _Floricienta._ Rachel frowns at him, and though he feels her eyes on him he doesn't turn to meet them. Let _her_ be the confused, for once.

--

In the locker room on Monday the boys are talking shop and Kurt says, "Okay, Puck. Do dump or marry: Mercedes, Tina, Rachel."

Frankly, Puck's still a little uncomfortable with sharing a locker room with _Kurt_, but everyone else seems to forget that he's very _clearly_ checking out Finn's ass in the shower so he goes with it. "Umm. Is this one of those games you picked up at ballet?"

Kurt glares at him, and Finn casts him one of those disparaging looks that he's become basically immune to. Finn says, "Hey, Kurt. I'll answer. Um, do Mercedes, dump Tina, and marry Rachel."

Everyone stares at him, because _who in their right mind would marry Rachel?!_

Finn shrugs. "Underneath her psycho exterior she's actually pretty cool."

"Dude," Puck says, not thinking, "she has _pink sheets._"

And now everyone is staring at _him_, and Finn's voice is high-pitched and alarmed as he asks, "How do you know what her sheets look like?!"

--

By Monday _every_body knows, and he expects Rachel to come storming up to him with one of her hour-long rants about how he's evil and she's the next Idina Menzel and he doesn't get to ever _look_ at her ever again and how _dare he_ tell people that they were having sex?!

But actually what happens is she approaches him right after Spanish and wordlessly ands him a Spanish test with a _C_ written on the top. "It's up a full seven points from the last one, which, while still far, _far_ below average for me, is certainly better than I _was_ doing. So since you helped me, I'm willing to overlook the fact that you completely objectified me and embarrassed me in front of the entire student body and allow you to continue tutoring me."

He frowns. "_Allow_ me? Listen, Crazy—"

"You told everyone that you'd 'bagged and tagged' me, Puck. In most school districts that's considered sexual harassment. I don't think either of us wants to get involved in one of those sticky complaints, because it goes on your permanent record and I _believe_ you're hoping to get a football scholarship and I don't need any of that drama to potentially be uncovered when I'm famous. And the way I see it, this is a mutually beneficial set-up: you get to show your friends how cool you think you are and I pass Spanish, with the added bonus of having Quinn Febray not hate me for harboring romantic feelings for Finn."

As a general rule, Puck doesn't use words like _pragmatic_, but it's the first one that pops into his head as she stands there looking at him, so when she sticks out a hand, he takes it.

--

They start meeting twice a week, instead of just once, because Rachel's grade isn't "going up fast enough". They finish the first season of _Floricienta_ and Rachel actually _cries_ during the finale, which is awkward _enough_ for Puck without the added stress of her wanting to … like … _talk_ about it.

After the credits roll she hurls herself at him, crying and _loudly, _and he has absolutely _no_ idea what to do so he sort of tries to push her away, but she's got a hold on him like his mom's around a wineglass so he gives up and awkwardly pats her on the head. "Um, listen, I think you have the wrong idea about this relationship," he says, because no chance in _hell_ is he letting this get to a place where she's actually coming to him with, like, problems and shit, because he's not a) Finn or b) a _fucking girl_.

"_¡No es justo!"_ she wails, and in spite of himself he starts laughing, because, _seriously?_ She's going to cry in _Spanish_ now?

"Easy, killer," he says, and then they sort of just lay there, Rachel crying softly and Puck realizing that her hair smells like apples.

--

They don't watch the second season of _Floricienta_ because Rachel is too loyal to the dead Federico to bear watching Flor with any other love interest. And both because Rachel is scary and because he doesn't care _what_ they watch, Puck doesn't push.

But she liked _Floricienta_ so much that he decides to keep it in the same vein and they start _Lola … Erase Una Vez_, which is basically the same story with more rock songs and shorter skirts, both of which Puck figures can't possibly be bad things.

Of _course_ Rachel over-identifies with the outcast Lola, who just wants to sing her songs and get the guy, so Puck spends most of the week fending of Rachel's insatiable desire to talk about it.

He's bored on a Wednesday, so he calls and asks if maybe she wants to come over and watch _Lola_. He figures this way he can free himself up for Thursday and not have Rachel read him the riot act. She shows up wearing yoga pants and a tight t-shirt and he's so thrown by the sight of heractually _relaxed_ that he nearly chokes on his popcorn. She brings a plate of cookies that her Dads sent over and of course his mom _loves_ her, with her big words and big dreams and he realizes very quickly that this was a mistake.

His kid brother walks into the kitchen and his eyes go big and bug-eyed and before Puck can control the situation it's like they've adopted her and she's everybody's best friend and seriously, when did _Rachel_ become good at _making friends?!_

It must be his freak family, he decides, resigning himself to an evening of family bonding, and when his mother begs Rachel to stay for dinner her eyes skitter over to his as if asking for permission.

He shrugs, because fuck if _he_ cares, he gets fed either way, and anyway he sort of likes the way she looks in this light. Sort of.

So she stays and gives them a concert (kill him, please) and makes him _accompany her on guitar_ and it's almost the worst evening of his life except that there are parts where he's laughing so hard at her that he actually chokes, and parts where for a second his bewildered, dazzled family is smiling all together and it's totally _normal_, and even parts where Rachel relaxes and isn't a complete psychopath and actually _listens_ instead of talking, for once.

After dinner he walks her to her car and shoves his hands in his pockets and, to keep this feeling like a date, says, "Well, okay, bye."

There's a pause, and then she actually _snorts_, and when he looks at her in surprise she says, "You have a really nice family, Puck." Then she grins. "Can't imagine what happened to you."

It's an old joke, probably one she heard on TV or something, but he humors her with a smile that doesn't fade until her headlights have.

--

She makes him come over on Thursday even though they saw each other on Wednesday, because, she points out, they didn't actually watch _Lola_, so it doesn't count. Which kind of screws with Puck's plan to call Wednesday night's freak-show tutoring.

On Thursday they don't get much done, either; they watch one episode of _Lola_ and then it quickly devolves into a verbal sparring match which quickly becomes a pillow fight which ends with Rachel victorious (of course, but she cheated). He doesn't want to think that they might be becoming friends, but he sort of can't help it.

Afterward, he's raiding her fridge for beer and cookies and she asks in a dreamy little voice, "Do you think Quinn's going to keep the baby?"

His hand freezes mid-grab and he doesn't answer, because the last person he wants to talk about _his baby_ with is Rachel. For once, she seems to get the hint, because she coughs and then chirps, "If you want pizza, it's in the freezer."

--

His car breaks down on Monday and Rachel offers to shuttle him around as payment for the tutoring, which he's beginning to suspect she doesn't even need anymore, since he overhears her talking to one of the exchange students with only a few grammar mistakes and vocabulary holes. Still, he lets her, because she doesn't make him pay for gas and it's quicker than the bus.

He makes a point to act like its no big deal when they arrive at school together and everyone is like OMGWTFBBQ. He figures if he ignores it than it will go away, maybe.

Finn drags him into the locker room before class and demands, "So, what, you guys are like, _dating_ now?"

"No," Puck says, trying to laugh it off. "Dude. It's _Rachel._ No _way._"

"Don't hurt her, Puck," Finn mutters, and he sounds actually _serious_, like he'd _do_ something about it, and the irony is so bitter that Puck spits out, "That's funny, coming from you."

Finn frowns. "What are you talking about?"

Puck can't believe that he somehow got suckered into this moment, right out of some chick flick, but he grumbles, "Dude. All you _do_ is hurt her," and then shoves past and back into the hall.

--

At Glee Mr. Schuester gives Quinn the lead, and Rachel takes it with surprising grace; since Quinn got kicked off the Cheerios, she's been taking a lot of Quinn's shit with surprising grace. Of course, afterwards he finds her in the parking lot bawling and he tells himself he'd leave her there if he didn't need a ride. As it is, he gets suckered into letting her hug him as she cries about it's so unfair and her voice is better than Quinn's and why does Quinn get _everything_ she wants?

"Look," he says awkwardly, "it's okay."

She looks up at him and rests her chin on his chest and this feels like something it shouldn't be so he tries not to meet her eyes, but seriously, when Rachel wants something she gets it. "You're not a bad guy, Finn," she murmurs, and then tips onto her toes and kisses him.

He kisses her back, because she's hot and because somehow she found his weak spot and wormed her way in, the way she always does, and he doesn't let it hurt when he realizes she called him Finn.

--

He goes to her house on Tuesdays and Thursdays and they watch _Lola_; she comes to his on Mondays and Wednesdays and they have dinner with his family and make out. She drags him with her on Saturdays to a movie or some equally awful date-like activity, but he goes with it because who knew she was such a babe under those sweaters?

Either way, it's a nice system. She's less of a prude than Quinn ever was, and he likes that she openly admits to liking and wanting sex as badly as he does.

He realizes that he's coming dangerously close to _like-liking_ her when she dresses up like the scandalous Catalina from his favorite telenovela, _Sin Tetas No Hay Paraíso_, for his birthday and sings him _Lola_'s theme song _Masoquismo_ in that low voice she sometimes whips out when she's feeling sexy.

That night, the only name she says is his.

--

When she finally gets an A in Spanish, they celebrate by making out on the bleachers just before Glee. As the bell rings she climbs off of him, hair dripping down over her shoulder, breathe coming in little tufts in the cold air. "Thanks," she says, in that small, sincere voice she sometimes has, and in an involuntarily tender moment he brushes her hair out of her face and murmurs, "Yeah. No problem."

He gets Finn to drive him home because Rachel stays to hang out with the other girls and neither of them speak in the car. Finally Puck says, "You don't really have a right to be angry at me, you know."

Finn grunts.

"You could have had her, dude. You probably still could. But you've got Quinn."

"And what am I supposed to do? Dump her? She's _carrying my baby,_ Puck. I know you don't know anything about responsibility, but _I_ do."

Puck bites his tongue. "I guess you're right," he says. "Either way, I got the girl."

--

Rachel doesn't show up that night and doesn't answer her phone. She doesn't speak to him at school the next day, and when he goes to her house her Dads tell him she's not home although he can _clearly see her_ standing on the stairs.

Since he assumes she isn't going to pick him up for school he takes the bus and waits for her in the music room, where he knows she always goes before class to warm up her vocal chords, just in case.

When she spots him she turns to leave, but he blocks the door. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She doesn't meet his eyes. "Nothing. I don't think that we should see each other anymore. Thank you for helping me with Spanish."

His jaw drops, because of all the things he had expected, _this_ wasn't one of them. "Seriously? You used me for Spanish? Is this a _joke?"_

"I used _you?"_ she yells back crossing her arms over her chest. "You're the _father of Quinn's baby!"_

He freezes. "How did you . . . who told you?"

Her jaw is stiff and angry, and she doesn't wipe away the tears gather in her eyes like a normal person would. "Who do you _think_ told me?"

He swears softly, rubbing his hands over his face, because he _really_ does not understand Quinn Febray and probably never will. "Look, Rachel, it wasn't my business to tell you."

"What about _Finn_? He's your best friend!"

"So this is about Finn?"

"Of course it's about Finn! What else would it be about?"

He leaves. He doesn't want to hear the words _it would be about us _come out of his own mouth.

--

He finds Quinn at her locker and drags her into an empty classroom. "So, what?" he spits at her. "You changed your mind?"

She glares at him, ripping her arm out of his grip. "What are you talking about?"

"You told Rachel about the baby!"

Quinn frowns. "What does that have to do with you? She figured it out when Finn told her how he thinks he got me pregnant. She's not going to tell anyone, Puck. You're still off the hook."

He runs a hand over his scalp. "God, Quinn, that's not the _point._"

"Then what _is_ the . . ." she trails off, before her eyes go wide and she lets out a laugh. "_No._ Really? _Rachel?_ God, what _is_ it about that girl?"

"Shut up," he snarls, and leaves her there, still laughing.

--

She won't meet his eye at Glee and he tells his mother that she hasn't been around because she's sick. She's getting straight As in Spanish and when Mr. Schuester asks her who her tutor was she mumbles quickly, "I just studied a lot, I guess."

--

María Marquez tells him he speaks like a native and for his part he tries to act like her lemonade doesn't taste like acid. He makes out with her for a while, but when she puts her hand on his knee he jerks away and swears, loudly, before getting up and leaving the house.

He is _not this guy._

He goes to Finn, because where _else_ do you go when you're suddenly having, like, feelings and shit?

"She's in my _fucking head, _man," he moans, falling into Finn's bean chair and dropping his face in his hands. "She's _everywhere_. I couldn't even have sex with _María Marquez,_ and you _know _how hard I worked for that shit!"

Finn crosses his arms over his chest and spins himself in his desk chair. "So, what, do you . . . like her?"

"Look," Puck says flatly, "we both know that you're going to choose Quinn, because you're not the guy that walks away from a baby."

Finn hesitates. "Do you . . . I mean . . . she's a really cool girl, Puck."

"No," he says, "she's a really _crazy _girl. Crazy with a capital C. She's the single most tunnel-visioned person I've ever met in my _entire_ life, and she does _insane_ things like iron her underwear and floss her tongue. She's, like . . . I mean, she's totally nuts. But sometimes she . . . _says_ things, you know, just like totally out of the blue, just the _funniest shit_ and then gets all mad when you laugh at her, like she isn't completely aware of how ridiculous she sounds. And seriously, dude, she _never. shuts. up._ I have to kiss her just to make her take a freaking _breath_ sometimes, like what do I care what she wants to wear when she accepts her Emmy? But she's going to win it, like it's just a fact in her life, I've never been surer of anything, because when Rachel wants something she _gets it_, and I don't know, man. I've sort of learned to like letting her win."

He looks up to find Finn laughing at him. "Dude," he chokes out, "you sound like Kurt at the end the end of _Mean Girls._ That guy _loves _Lindsay Lohan."

Puck says, ". . . you and Kurt watched _Mean Girls_ together? Who _are_ you?"

--

He decides to go big for the biscuit, so when Shuester announces tryouts for the lead in the semi-finals, he knows what song he'll choose. Finn does "Can't Fight This Feeling" and Quinn sings "You Just Keep Me Hangin' On" and Rachel whips out "You Belong with Me" and somehow it sounds catchy and doesn't make his ears bleed. Mercedes makes Kurt cry with her rendition of "I'd Rather Go Blind" and there is something oddly poignant about Artie's "Runnin'".

Puck sings _Masoquismo_, the theme song from _Lola._ He looks at Rachel even when she doesn't look at him.

He's waiting for the bus when she pulls up. She doesn't look at him, but she says, "I'll drive you home."

--

He spends the weekend wondering when she became this important person in his life, and how the fuck he can reverse the process.

On Monday she drives him to and from school, but the radio's on in the car and she sings along with every song, even when she doesn't know the lyrics or the tune. He's learned to block it out and watch the scenery roll by, and he can't believe that he's actually wishing for her to start talking about something, anything, something he couldn't actually care less about if she has to.

At Glee Shuester announces that Finn and Rachel are still the leads, to nobody's great surprise.

--

On Tuesday she shows up on his door. She's got the full DVD set of _Sin Tetas No Hay Paraíso _and his mother greets her with such enthusiasm that it's embarrassing. He freezes when she asks if she's feeling better, but Rachel just smiles and lies easily, "Oh, much better, Mrs. Puckerman, thank you. I think it must have been the flu."

They go up to his room and he is reaching for the DVDs when she stops him. "Okay, I have to say this now or I'm never going to, and I'm not by nature a shy person, because you can't be if you want to be famous, but I find it very difficult to talk to you sometimes" (seriously? he thinks. This has been you finding it _difficult_ to talk?) "because you're a man of so few words yourself, but it just has to be said. I was really hurt when I found out that you were the actual father of Quinn's baby, because, well, you know my feelings on her in that she has absolutely everything that I've ever wanted, except of course that I have a better home life and far more talent. But jealousy aside, I guess I sort of got it into my head that you and I had something that was new for the both of us, but I guess I should have known better because you are quite vocal about your previous conquests and I knew that, I just chose to ignore it. Also, whatever you and Quinn had was way before whatever you and I had, so I guess I didn't have a right to be angry in the first place. I guess I was just freaked out, you know, because you were my first . . . whatever you were, and I just felt a little . . . I don't know, possessive. And then of course I got confused, because I thought that I was supposed to like _Finn,_ I mean, he's got this incredible voice and he's very sweet and good-looking and everything, and that's how it always happens in the movies, after all, I mean, I'm the talented outsider and _he's_ the rebellious popular guy, and that just makes mathematical sense, doesn't it? Only in the movies there's never a pregnancy, and . . . and then my feelings just got all mixed up because I really liked you, too, even though you aren't half as nice as Finn and you have that terrible haircut. But there's something _about you_, Puck, you have this, like, _sweetness_ underneath that you never show anybody but me, sometimes, and your family. And I just—when you were singing on Friday, I just—God, I realized that I don't even _like_ Finn anymore, that maybe I never really liked _him_ at all, only the _idea _of him, you know? I just—I like _you_, even though you always make fun of me and never really gave any indication that you—"

He cuts her off with a kiss that she sinks into without hesitation, and when she pulls away he murmurs, "Rachel. You have _got_ to stop talking so much."

She giggles, rests her head against him, and then murmurs, "Do you want to know a secret?"

She'll tell him even if he says no, and he's learned to like letting her win. "What?"

"Remember when I showed you the test that I got a C on? It had been an A. I changed the grade so you'd have to keep tutoring me. I just like hanging out with you."

He laughs, shaking his head and looking down at her with a raised eyebrow. "Dude. That's creepy as hell," he tells her, but he's grinning.


	2. we're two goodlooking jews

**Author's Notes: **So, um, wow. Apparently there are _way more_ Rachel/Puck (what are we calling this, by the way? Puchel? Rack?) shippers out there than I imagined, because _holy crap with the reviews._ Thank you all so much! I seriously don't even know what to say, but to show my appreciation, this is my gift to you. An unplanned second (and final, this time I mean it) chapter!

Also, I just saw a bunch of the sneek peeks for next week and YES, SWEET VICTORY.

(Go here for all that is man: .com/watch?v=zQAIESU17uI)

we're both good-looking jews

After "Sweet Caroline", Rachel drags him into the girl's locker room and kisses him so hard that it actually _hurts._ Which, let's be honest, Puck's not gonna complain about, because when Rachel gets all musically-aroused, she's like an unstoppable force of sweet love that Puck could pretty much be happy in forever.

He doesn't tell her that he chose Sweet Caroline because he knows she's obsessed with Neil Diamond, her eyes get big and hungry when he plays his guitar, and he likes the way her cheeks go pink when he sings right to her; that would be one of those gay-ass chick click moments that Finn would be all over. Instead he says, "So you liked it."

She laughs and nestles rests her chin on his chest as she looks up at him, in what he figures has got to be like, her favorite position or something, because she does it _all the time._ He doesn't actually mind; he sort of likes how little she is, and how it pushes her cheeks up just a little and makes them round and chubby.

He thinks about that and adds, to himself: no homo.

"You've gotten really good, you know. I mean, I know that you're a very talented musician on the guitar because you're always able to keep up with me musically when you play accompaniment in my bedroom—which by the way, my Dads say that if you're going to keep coming over and staying after midnight than we'll have to keep the door open because they were boys your age once too, though I pointed out that it was different because they didn't like girls, but they said that they didn't want our house becoming a den of iniquity, like yours probably is (and that's still them speaking, not me, because you know I love your family, and how is your mother, by the way?)—but what I mean to say is, your voice has really improved since you started Glee, and I think that you're almost at the point of even being a real leader, I mean, vocally."

He raises an eyebrow at her. "Yeah, thanks," he says.

She pulls away, smoothing his shirt where her chin was, and then says, "Yes, well, okay, I should probably get going. Are you coming over tonight? The new season of _Doña Bárbara_ starts at nine and you know that I don't like to watch without you, because it's very emotionally draining and I usually end up crying."

"Wow, good sell, Crazy."

She pouts a little. It's a new trick she learned last week when Mercedes didn't hide her _Cosmo_ in time, and Rachel's somehow gotten it into her head that he won't be able to resist her if she juts out her lower lip and blinks a lot. Personally, Puck think she looks like Coach Sylvester after she's had her daily squeeze of lemon and vodka, but it's weird and kind of cute, so he humors her.

She tips up onto her toes and kisses him once, quickly, as the door opens and the rest of the guys walk in. There's a bit of hooting and hollering, and Finn's right eye does that twitchy, throbbing thing that it always does when he sees Rachel doing anything with anyone that's not him.

"See you tonight," she says.

--

On Thursday he steps in front of a slushy for her because under her white lace shirt she's wearing his favorite Catalina-from-_Sin-Tetas_ bra and the thought of _anyone else_ seeing it makes a vein in his temple throb.

It's way colder than he thought it would be, and he gets this achy sort of headache afterwards, but she takes him into the gender-neutral handicap bathroom and gently wipes it off his shirt. She's psychotic, so she carries around Tide-to-Go and spends like an hour coloring on him until the stains are gone.

It's not till she's done that he realizes that she's been smiling this whole time, and he mutters, "What's so funny?"

She looks up at him with big, open eyes and just shakes her head. "Nothing," she says, kissing him and licking a bit of slushy off his nose. "It's nothing."

--

Rachel's always particularly vulnerable after the weekly showing of _Doña Bárbara_; the tale of a ruined woman's battle against the world and struggle to find love is just one of those storylines that gets her every time, so he gets extra worried when she asks, "Am I your girlfriend?"

Puck blinks a couple of times and doesn't answer right away; he's pretty sure this is a trap and he's not in the mood to get dumped. "Um," he says.

She sits up, wiping her eyes and sniffing quietly. "I mean, we kiss a lot," she tells him, ticking off a finger, "and I drive you around everywhere, and we go out on the weekends, and the Dads have started calling you hoodlum instead of pool-boy—and though I realize that both are derogatory terms, at least they're _accurately_ insulting you, which I think shows real progress—and I _know_ your mother likes me, because I have an incredible voice, big dreams, and am Jewish, which means that our children, should we decide to have them (which, by the way, wouldn't happen until I had fully played out my dancing and musical career, because stars with children just don't have the time and energy necessary to devote to their art) would also be Jewish, and that's important to her. Also, you don't tell people that I make you want to light yourself on fire anymore."

Puck pushes himself up off the bed and blows out a long breath of air. "Yeahhhh, listen . . . I, uh, I don't really . . . '_date'_, like as a general _rule."_

"But you know about all my favorite things," she argues, frowning and bewildered. "You know I love Neil Diamond."

"Er," he says.

"And you stepped in front of a slushy for me."

"That was . . ."

"_And_ you didn't have sex with Ms. Marquez!" she shouts triumphantly, leaping off of the bed and standing with one hand on her hip and the other with its pointer finger jabbing into his chest. "Adm_it_ it, Puckerman, I'm your girlfriend and there isn't anything you can do about it."

He gives her a look that's supposed to say: um, actually, yes I can, but Rachel's always been shit at reading human body language, so she throws herself at him with a squeal and says, "So we're agreed! I'm glad we got that out of the way; I didn't know how to bring it up and the Dads have been bothering me about it lately and I know that you aren't exactly Mr. Commitment so I hope you know how much this means to me, because it means a lot, a _lot_, I know I'm not supposed to get all emotional and scare you away, but, I mean, I can't help it, I just really like you."

Sometimes Puck wonders if he has any control in this relationship at all.

--

Mr. Schuester chooses to do Sweet Caroline because, well, let's be honest, his arrangement is_ that_ awesome. And _he_ gets the lead for once, not Finn, but he's singing with Quinn; he guesses the Schue-man figured that if he was going to shake things up then he might as well go big.

Rachel's displeased, to say the least, and spends literally _half an hour_ making him promise not to fall in love with Quinn just because she has a "decent, mostly sharp, but still sort of pretty, sometimes" voice and is the mother of his child.

"That ship has sailed, Crazy," he promises, hating himself for turning into Finn.

And it had, really, it had totally sailed when he says it, but two days later Quinn catches him before football and clasps her hands behind her back and bites her lip and does that tilted-head, sad-eyes thing that she's the master of and mumbles, "I just . . . I wanted to say that you have an amazing voice, Puck, and that . . . and that I'm sorry I called you a Lima loser. You're not. You're a really . . . I mean, _I_ really . . . anyway, sorry."

And it's like—_wham!_

Back in the harbor.

--

He's not quite sure how it happens. It's not like he doesn't _like_ Rachel; he does, he totally does, even if he really, _really_ doesn't want to. She's completely psychotic and most of the time he thinks she might actually have some sort of mental disorder, like Asberger Syndrome or something, but she's also got this way of like, _looking_ at him where he realizes that she's really not that bad.

And . . . the girl can sing.

And then one day he goes into the parking lot and Quinn is sitting in her car, just crying, so he gets in beside her and she crawls onto his lap, like . . . like she _belongs_ there or something. And she starts talking about the baby—_their baby_—and he just . . .

It's an innocent kiss. Really. Mostly. At first.

But for pity's sake, she's _pregnant_ with _his baby_, and through her tears she somehow manages to murmur, "It's a little girl, and Finn wants to name it _Drizzle,_ for God's sake_._"

He laughs, although he loves Finn; the guy's fun as hell when he's not around girls and a good enough person that he makes Puck feel like he's not the douche bag they all make him out to be, but he's an _idiot_. For God's sake, _immaculate conception?_ Is he _kidding_ with that shit?

Then they just . . . sit, for a bit, and Quinn's totally quiet in a way that Rachel never is (EVER).

He tries to like the quiet, but when he gets home he feels antsy and bored so he calls Rachel and when she talks at him for an hour and a half, he breathes a little sigh of relief.

--

Finn and Quinn break up January 14th, three weeks before Regionals. It's all anyone in Glee talks about, because who thought that Finn would be the kind that dumps a pregnant girl?

Then Finn shows up at his house and gives him a bloody nose and isn't afraid to meet his eye when he says, "Stay the _fuck_ away from me."

Which is how Puck figures out that Finn knows about the baby.

Aaand things are kinda awkward, after that.

--

At Glee Finn hits on Rachel like it's his job, and Puck tries not to be jealous because a) Rachel said she didn't have feelings for Finn anymore, b) Puck is still trying to pretend that he doesn't actually _like_ her, and c) he does sort of owe the guy for knocking up his girlfriend.

But Rachel does that thing, where her cheeks get pink and she smiles all the time and alternates between being unable to quite meet anybody's eyes and making herself meet _everybody's_ eyes, just to prove that she can.

Schuester asks him and Quinn to stay after and practice, and Rachel says she'd be happy to wait for him, but when he gets out to the parking lot she's sitting on _Finn's car's hood_ and they're laughing like they're just bestiest best friends in the whole wide world.

Quinn comes up behind him and makes a sound of disgust in her throat. "What _is it_ about that _girl_?" she mutters, smoothing out skirt. He manages a laugh, but she turns his head to look at her and repeats. "No. Seriously. What is it?"

He shrugs, not letting himself look away as Finn uses his finger to tip Rachel's chin upward as he leans in to kiss her.

He doesn't realize his hand is tightened into a fist until Quinn points it out. He doesn't interrupt the lovefest on Finn's car; Quinn just drives him home.

--

Rachel shows up just after dinner and she's got that guilty look that he's pretty used to by now. "Okay, I'm going to just be upfront with you," she begins, but he cuts her off with a flat-toned, "You and Finn made out."

She blinks, speechless for once. "What?"

"I saw you. On his car."

She frowns at him, folding her arms across her chest. "Well, maybe you should have looked closer because we only kissed _once_ and that's not exactly _making out_, okay, I mean, it wasn't even that good, okay yes it was, actually it was great, but . . ."

He can't believe that the words are coming out of his mouth. Seriously, when did he turn into such a girl? When? "Well, uh, maybe we should just . . . see other people, then."

There's like this long _vacuum_ of silence, where Rachel's eyes get really big and her mouth gets really small and then suddenly there's all these _tears_ welling up in them and Puck is like, aw, shit.

"Oh," she murmurs, in the tiniest voice he's ever heard, and it's so _not Rachel_ not to have some sort of great soliloquy prepared, and it freaks him out so damn bad that he does the only thing he can think of and reaches out to drag her against his chest and hold her there until she hugs him back.

"Look, I'm sorry," he says, kind of frantically because she's really crying now, like these huge gasping _sobs_. "Hey. Hey. I'm _sorry._"

She calms herself down. "Look," she says, her voice squeaking and hitting decibels that only dogs can hear, "if you don't like me anymore then I don't want to be with you, because I don't want to waste my time or yours and I'm not going to be your, like, thing on the side or something. I am _not_ a backup singer, Noah Puckerman, not _ever_, so I'm either the star of this musical or I'm walking away and you'd better figure out which it is that you want because I gave up _Finn _for you so if you're not committed to this then I don't want to speak to you ever again."

She shoves him so hard that he stumbles, and she leaves him with a flip of her hair and a glare that burns a hole through his skin.

--

At school, Rachel treats him like he's everybody else, and he tries not to let it annoy him. But he's gotten _used _to her craziness, to the way she sometimes makes him hold hands when they're walking down the hallway, no matter how hard he tries to shake her loose; she's pretty much the only girl he could ever really be with, if only because she wouldn't let him walk away.

He makes out with Quinn once or twice, but it's not the same; she doesn't have the same . . . taste that Rachel does. Quinn is cool, collected, in control; Rachel is all over the place and giggles for no reason except that she's nervous or excited or just thinks his Mohawk is funny (it's not funny, he tells, it's _cool_; Puck, she tells him, you're an _idiot_).

He's got his hand on Quinn's right thigh when he pulls away abruptly and murmurs, "Sorry."

She frowns. "What? Why?"

Then he remembers that it's Rachel that's ticklish, not Quinn; that he knows Rachel well enough to remember that terrifies him. Puck drops his head into his hands. "Look, Quinn. I'm, uh…"

She sighs. "Yeah," she says. "Me, too. But hey, though, this has been fun, sorta."

"Yeah, definitely sometimes it was all right," he agrees, and just like that, they pretty much sort everything out. He wonders why it was so complicated before. All they had to do was hook up a few times, and it would've all been so much easier.

--

At Regionals, Quinn gets sick before the show and Rachel has to take her place. She looks at a spot of his chin the whole performance, instead of meeting his eyes.

--

Puck doesn't like the term "growing up", so when he shows up at Finn's house to apologize he calls it an act of "growing out". He figures progress has already been made in that he doesn't start bleeding the second Finn comes to the door.

"I don't really want to talk," Finn says flatly, and Puck shrugs.

"Yeah, I know. I wouldn't either. But, uh, just listen, okay? I'm sorry. About Quinn, obviously, I don't… I mean, I was drunk, if that means anything. And I'm going to help her with the baby. I know she's putting it up for adoption, but I'm going to pay for all the doctor's bills and things, just so you know. But, uh. We're not . . . I mean, she's kind of an asshole, dude."

Finn crosses his arms over his chest. "And Rachel?" he asks.

Puck looks at the ground. "You can't have both, dude," he starts to say, but when he looks at Finn's pinched mouth he runs his hands over his face. "Rachel too," he mumbles.

He expects to have the door slammed in his face, but instead Finn does the gay thing and pulls him into a hug that's more Kurt than man. Then he says, "You're an idiot. You're seriously going to walk away from a Jew that somehow puts up with your shit?"

"No," he says shamelessly. "Definitely not. But I figured I could get away with lying about it for a while."

Finn laughs.

--

What he does is this:

On Valentine's Day the Cheerios sell and deliver carnations and candy to the sweetheart of your choice, and he buys Rachel thirty. They get delivered in the middle of Spanish and he gives the new captain weed in exchange for the marching band to play the instrumental of _Para Tu Amor_ by Juanes. He makes an idiot of himself singing, but he does it because somehow she started mattering to him and he's not afraid—just sort of annoyed—to admit it.

He ends up on his knees in front of her and wonders when he turned into Zac Efron. "Look," he says after the song ends, "you're the Idina to my Tay Diggs, baby." (He'd had to ask Kurt for an appropriate reference, an experience he won't be repeated ever. _Ever._)

Rachel crosses her arms over her chest and frowns at him. "How do I know you aren't going to get all stupid again?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Rachel. I just humiliated myself in front of this entire classroom for you. Give me a—"

She cuts him off with a kiss that's long and dirty enough for Mr. Schuester to awkwardly break apart.

--

He's dressing up for dinner with her Dads when she comes in and straightens his tie. "We are two _good-looking_ Jews," she says lightly, dusting off his shoulders. "Imagine how adorable our children are going to be."

"I'm uncomfortable with that statement," he says.


End file.
